masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
