I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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