The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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