somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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