yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
