Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
