Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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