i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
