She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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