Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
