There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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