just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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