nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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