new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
