Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize