you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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