Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
