yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
