I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
