At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
