bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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