just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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