I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
