another moral hangover. fuck.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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