Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
