I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
