I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
