So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
