Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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