i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
