New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize