Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
