The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
