mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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