ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
