The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
