Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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