I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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