Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
