He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just cut my nipple shaving
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
