I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
