party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
