My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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