Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
