Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize