you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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