I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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