I just saw a hot homeless man
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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