I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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