we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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