guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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