i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
