I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We are two peas in an std pod
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
