Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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