Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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