mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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