Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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