the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize