honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
