3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
