I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
