So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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