brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
