I cannot find my penis.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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